Welcome to The Curious Wildflower, this page is dedicated to telling you more about me.
I am a
To tell you the truth, I am so over these ‘about me’ pages! Especially the boring mundane ones!
Let’s keep this little intro – I wanted to say, short and sweet – but it isn’t going to happen. Instead, I will tell you the ugly bits, send you on a path to explore and tell
you: You will get through it! Just like I did.
I am on a journey of self-discovery – but the journey is bigger than me. It involves loads of women from different backgrounds. My journey is about us! In this journey I will share what I have been through for others who may be going through exactly the same thing right now, to learn from my mistakes.
My heart and my desires are to bring my struggles and victories to the table for all to benefit from it. In return, I would love to feature and share your victory!
We all have something to learn from one another. Sometimes we need to make the mistakes ourselves and other times we choose to lean on a friend and go through the journey as a collective whole instead of an independent wanderer.
Here’s a Bit of What I Have Experienced in Life
I fell pregnant at the age of 19.
I know what it is like to have a baby growing in your womb that you’re not ready to have. Considering an abortion? Feeling the weight of your parents’ disappointment, rejection – check.
Are you a single mom battling to make ends meet?
I know exactly what you are going through! Are you spending countless hours at the maintenance court ‘pleading’ for money – for your kid? I have stood in those corridors, I have begged, I have placed my hope in our judicial system, thinking justice will prevail. And I have walked away disappointed. I have had to make some pretty hard decisions in life. I placed my pride in my pocket, chose the lesser of two evils, all in the hope to just keep afloat.
Keep being faithful in the little things. Accept the help you get along the way – little by little, you will get there!
Do you strive to be better in order to give your kids a better future?
As a single mom, I started studying towards a degree, in the hope of getting a better job – in order to send my kid to university one day. Bills were piling up, the debt was suffocating me and time was a rare commodity I didn’t have. I was burning up and yet pushing through – working full time, raising a kid and trying (despite my fear of failure) to study part-time.
It took me eight-long-years to complete my degree! Blood, sweat, and tears – nearly giving up a million times and here I am! I have done it and so can you!
Ever Married the Wrong Man?
If I am being really honest with myself – I knew I was making a mistake while making it. Denial used to be a very good friend of mine!
I wanted to be loved and belong so badly, that I made the mistake willingly.
Denial also kept me in an unhealthy marriage for way too long. Psychologist after psychologist (and they are only meant to listen, guide my thinking and allow me to come to a conclusion on my own) told me to get out of my marriage.
Naturally, I wasn’t willing to listen until I had done everything in my power to make it work. Foolish? Perhaps.
Do you have a Really Sick Child?
I can relate – at birth, Oli was diagnosed with ABO incompatibility disorder. The baby I carried full term ended up in Neo-Natal ICU for 10 days. Before Oli was a month old he already had, had two blood transfusions.
At the age of three, he was diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis – a rare type of cancer and auto-immune disease.
Earlier this year (age 6) Oli ended up in the hospital with another autoimmune disease called Kawasaki Disease.
I honestly feel ill-equipped to be this little boy’s mom, most days! I’m either overly-paranoid or paranoid that I am being paranoid.
Other than having had three major health issues in his life – Oli is a well-adjusted little boy, with a big purpose and reason to live!
Are you going through a Divorce? Is it destroying your kids’ life?
After I tried every possible thing to make my marriage work, I walked away. Are you considering a divorce? I promise you, working on your marriage is quite possibly easier than going through a divorce!
As soon as you feel like you are about to see light at the end of the tunnel – your kids will start acting out. You would assume, they would choose the same time to lash out – but it doesn’t work like that.
Just as my oldest son started accepting our new life, the youngest’s world crumbled into pieces. His heart was aching and for the longest time
I have experienced all sorts of rejection in my life. An absent father, an emotionally abusive boyfriend, name it! But there is nothing quite as hurtful as the constant rejection of your own child.
It is brutal! But you and your children will get through it. It may not be okay today or tomorrow, but at some point in the future, you will wake up and notice that you are excited about life again.
Are you craving for more career-wise?
It took me eight long years to complete my B.Com degree. Not any degree – a business degree – pretty sensible if you ask me? After I completed my degree I thought I would find better employment easily, after all, I have the papers to back it all up! It didn’t happen.
Instead of moping around, I obtained a bursary at work and completed my honours degree full-time while working full-time and parenting solo (again).
You would imagine with my degree + honours degree it would somehow be easy to walk into a shiny new career. Nope – it hasn’t happened!
Do I feel like throwing temper tantrums – for sure? Is it getting me anywhere – not at all. I have however made three successful career changes (within the same industry) and I am learning every step of the way.
I am still trying to figure out how to get from where I am now, to where I want to be. If it means I need to complete my masters first, I will probably do it, for now, grade 1 is more than enough to keep me busy.
In between all of the above, I am still dealing with issues.
I am still trying to lose weight, the never-ending battle of most women I know! I also still have some destructive coping mechanisms that don’t seem to budge. Some days, I still battle with anxiety.
I still feel pure resentment towards Oli’s dad, my ex. To the point that my nose wiggles up and down (I’m blaming the weight of my glasses on my nose) when I walk away from an argument over Oli’s basic needs on a Sunday afternoon.
We are all just human.
Trying our best, for the sake of ourselves and our kids! It feels good to air some of my frustrations, sharing the ugly bits about me and desperately hoping someone will benefit from my words!
I would love to tell you, I did it all on my own. Figured it all out by myself and fixed things, through my own intelligence and wit. It simply isn’t the truth! I have had loads of help along the way, an understanding ear to listen, practical help from friends and family and a shoulder to cry on.
For about six months, my best friend opened her house to Logan and I. We stayed in her house and lived as a family alongside her family. It nearly destroyed our friendship in the end, mainly because I was dysfunctional and desperately needed a break. In the end, I got the break I needed to save a deposit and rent a little townhouse for Logan and I. We managed to salvage our relationship – but I don’t think to this day, my friend really understands the magnitude of the gift she gave me! She not only enabled me to stand on my feet again, she showed me love and kindness and made me believe in myself again.
During the months I considered walking away from my marriage, I was terrified I wouldn’t cope on my own. Emotionally, but more so, financially. My mom used to give me a couple of hundred rands every couple of weeks, despite the fact that she desperately needed the cash herself. With her help, I managed to save a second deposit for a little two-bedroom garden flat that became our home. It was tiny, crowded and a little dodgy when we moved in – but it became a haven of peace and healing during the coming months.
I firmly believe
I have a God watching over me, protecting + empowering me with loads of Grace and Love.
I have held on to His promises. One promise, in particular, the past couple of years. He will restore two-fold what was lost. At the time I reluctantly called out the promise over and over. Hoping in desperation that it would become a reality. And you know what, bit by bit, He is restoring two-fold, in ways I couldn’t begin to imagine! He is restoring me, enabling me to be His hand, to be His voice to live the life He intended for me, despite a life of denial. A life of reckless living and stupid mistakes. He has done it for me and He will do it for you.
You will love again, once you know yourself and found your healing!
You won’t grow old all alone! There are still some decent, unmarried, straight guys out there.
Don’t focus on them, focus on you. Finding who you are, healing your broken heart and loving yourself again. Everything will fall into place when you least expect it.
A final word
You are not alone! You don’t have to have it together. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s even okay to cry in front of your kids.
The Curious Wildflower is not about me, it is about us, living our best lives together. Reach out, I would love to hear your story!