Stress is a funny thing, I have always been the kind of person who tries to forget about the details of what’s happening and simply try to push through. At times I’ve been oblivious in my attempt to pretend it isn’t stressful, and that it is simply life. I don’t think it is the case at the moment. I think I am fully aware of what has been happening and trying to focus on the things I have control over.
Still, exhaustion has finally taken over. I have been holding my breath for the past couple of weeks and the scary part is, I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath. The start of it was when I received my marks for the exams I wrote in February. The long weekend has come at exactly the right time and is giving me the time and space to reflect on life…
Note to self: Never a good idea to pursue full-time studies while working full time and raising children by oneself in the midst of divorce preparations…
When I look at things holistically, I am in a really good place. I am settling into a nice groove at home with the kids, they are well adjusted and throw temper tantrums over knick-knack, like little brats. I have a job that stimulates me, and I am growing as a person. Here are some of the things on my mind lately…
The kids have been amazing the past couple of months. It couldn’t have been easy having an overworked mom, who’s trying to prepare for her final exams.
Logan has started writing tests and I’ve given him the space to do things his way this semester. He has pleasantly surprised me a fair amount of times and I am looking forward to building on that in the second semester.
Emotionally I am a little concerned about him. Logan hasn’t had a rosy life, and things between K and I have meant that his little world has been shaken quite a bit. Being K’s son, but also not really has been confusing and has lead to some angry outbursts. This combined with the fact that we’ve temporarily stopped Capoeira has had a dramatic impact on him.
Note to self: Get rear in action properly to get us back in class asap!
Oliver is doing better, even though I don’t expect this to last. I guess that sounds pessimistic, but I’ve seen the effect of divorce when it comes to the littlest. My guess is, it is going to take him the longest to get over the whole affair because he been protected the most, a sort of a delayed response if you will.
Grade R is going really well and we’re back at bulletjierugby in the afternoons.
HOME & HEART
Even though I have chosen my word for this year, generosity, I feel conflicted. After taking on too much for a while, helping other single moms to drive their kids to school / fetch and entertain them, I find myself in a space where I need to prioritize things. On a logical level, I realize clear boundaries are necessary for both my kids and I, but somehow I battle with the concept in relation to the word generosity. Suppose that is a whole post on its own, so I will leave it at that.
Divorce is something I have on my mind fairly often. I guess I am overwhelmed by the whole idea of fighting for the basic rights for my kids. Even more so considering the fat that we had settled and agreed what would work for us nearly a year ago. Fighting is something that will commence in the next day or two. Tomorrow, the last day of my long weekend, will be dedicated to regaining and preparing myself for ‘the fight‘.
Every time I think of the divorce proceedings, I think of my dad’s words: “try and be as fair as you can possibly be“. I kind of wish things was that simple, to me, it feels like I will need to “fight for the hand and settle for the pinky“, even though all I really want, is the pinky.
Note to self: Dealing with people will always be tricky…
My work, even though it is extremely stressful and overwhelming at times, I enjoy thoroughly. I am stimulated, I learn daily and I get push boundaries. Financially it isn’t been nearly as fun, unfortunately, but I suppose that is where, doing what you can, seeking opportunities and having faith comes in.
I’ve done it! I have successfully completed my honours degree and I am super proud of me! It has been so much harder that I thought it would be. Life didn’t allow me to be as as dedicated to my studies, as wanted to be. It placed me in such a fearfully vulnerable position! And it makes me all the more grateful for the journey and the past couple of months’ dedication.
Honours are not a joke! It nearly broke me. If you consider completing your degree full-time (within a year) and you are a.) Working full time, b.) parenting full time and or c.) value a social life – rethink and do it over two years… You’ll thank me later!
I met A at such an inconvenient season of my life and yet he has come alongside me in such an amazing way. I can talk about him all day, every day, if given half moment. For know, I am pleased to say, I enjoy the gentleman’s conversation and I am super excited for the next season of life.
Note to self: We don’t get to choose. It is time to treasure the gift that is friendship.